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Healing

Healing is weird.

Some days you feel like..

You’re at the top of the world, next day at the rock bottom

Not being able to leave the bed for days, not eating nor showering and next thing you know

You want to flip your whole damn house to renovate or redecorate something…for a change.

Some days you feel genuinely happy, hopeful and present. But somedays, you doubt yourself.

You overthink everything. And thinking that maybe no one is really out there for you.

But you know what I realized from this crazy process of healing, I always pick myself up.

No matter what kind of day it is. I never stopped. I cried. still crying. maybe.

But what I am proud of, I always choose to get up, continue and move forward.

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It is what it is.

You spent nearly 10 years of your life together.

Planned everything with him, invested your feelings,

And in the end none of that matters.

Because the truth is, you build a man for someone else.

Maybe the role you need to play in his life is done. His role in your life is done.

You’re allowed to cry. To be sad. To feel tired. To question everything.

And that’s okay. It was bound to happen. You knew it all along.

It happened to teach you a lesson, to grow up, to be emotionally strong.

And for you to realized that, it’s not that he’s not ready..

But because you’re not the woman for him. He needed someone not like you.

And it is what it is. The truth. A chapter has closed.

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In another life

Living in your 20s is all about the fun, adventure and independence.

Big city, career ladder to climbed, endless on-the-go iced coffees, meeting new faces that sometimes you even don’t remember their names.

Sometimes, after a very long day. I lay down in my bed, think and be alone with my thoughts..like right now. I just realized how damn lucky I am.

Thinking one day, if the universe allows. I’ll be able to see the version of myself-old and gray.

Looking into myself and remembering all the adventures and how many versions of me that I was able to lived.

One thing for sure, once that day happened. I will be able to tell myself that I lived the life I chose.

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Hi, I’m Hana.

And I’m trying to live my authentic life by knowing who truly am I and finding my purpose.

When we were born our beliefs, morals, traditions, perception of what is wrong and right were greatly influenced by people surrounding us and environment we grew up in. As a baby who can’t think for themselves we are already consumed by the teachings that passed down to us from generations to generations. And if you’re like me who labeled themselves as different among the family. Breaking chains, trying to take a different path will not be so easy.

As an adult, we can now decide and think for our own good because we have now our freewill. There are moments that I am still questioning, if the choices I made before and the beliefs I believed into is because that is what I truly believed and wanted to or is it just because it is heavily influenced by the beliefs that were passed down on me?

So with that question replaying in my head, I set myself into the journey of unlearning the things, beliefs and values I learned before and keep what make sense to me. This is one of the most liberating moment for me. I am still trying to figure it out and learning of what I truly wanted. All I know is life is too short not to live our authentic self.

I want to live my life full of ‘I am so glad I did that!’ rather than ‘what ifs’. I want to take all my chances, live every season of life, fully embracing myself in every stages of life. There is so much more to life and it took me a lot of time before I truly understand the meaning of it. May we all find our purpose.

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Osaka, I love you

Hi, I’m back.

2017. 22 years old. first time to live in a city and alone.

I was full of life and adventure when I first move in. Until reality happened, I struggled a lot during my first 3 years, had my ups and downs, felt happiness, sadness and all in-betweens. I almost gave up because I felt like I don’t belong in here. I thought this city is too big for a small town girl like me. I had nothing but my dreams, hope and faith that the universe put me where I am supposed to be.

2021. 26 years old. contented.

I don’t know what changed but one thing I know for sure is that finally, I am embracing the life I have. I was living in my past where I didn’t realized how blessed I am and how I am robbing the people who wants to know me just because I am scared to trust. The only constant thing in our life is change. It’s either we learn how to go with the flow or go against it and drown. I met genuinely people, fell in love with city, move in knowing zero names and probably one day, leaving it knowing hundred names.

My greatest adventures happened here. I was able to laugh, cry and grow. Osaka will always have a place in my heart. Who knew that a small town girl like me will be able to survive this big, loud and fast-paced city? As the saying goes, our fate is already destined even before we were born.

Kobe Port 2021
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Falling in love

Falling in love can be also about places. One thing for sure is that I don’t know where I’m gonna be in the next 5 years. So, I learned how to live my life in the moment.

Over the course of years, I have this love-hate relationship with this country but I’m so grateful for the opportunity to know and experience Japan.

A lot of people thinks Japan is all about cherry blossoms, matcha and sushi. However, it’s more than that…

It can be so deep it makes you feel like your drowning. Life is so raw that sometimes you even forget how to laugh and smile. And at the end of the day, silence can be your only friend.

But at the same time, you appreciate silence when the world is tiring. You love how raw life can be cause you learned how to stand up at your own feet. And lastly, you understand happiness is a proactive choice and you will define it on your own.

It’s like falling in love with a person. Sometimes, we hate their flaws but we accept it because we love them. For the last 5 years, I didn’t realized how attached I become with this country. Now, I know that I will be always torn between two lands. Japan is home. Philippines is home.

Hakone, Japan
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The hardest part of living in Japan

It’s almost 4 years now since I moved to Japan and this year is nothing but amazing. I was able to got home in Philippines last month for two weeks, my friends visited me here in Japan and it is their first time to travel abroad. It’s just March of 2019 and I can already say that this is gonna the best year ever. 2018 was really dramatic for me, depression, anxieties because of all the calamities happened in here that I had to face alone. But thank God I can say all the tears I cried was all worth it cause I am at my happiest right now.

Living and working in Japan for a quite while now, everything got so much better because I got used to the life I have right now. I built routines, met new people, more settled and got more matured at handling my life. There will always be mistakes and stupidity it’s part of life.

Being away from all your love ones is the hardest part, missing out important occasions like birthdays, weddings, Christmas, New Years and not to mention holidays that you always celebrate alone. Friends you want to see and hang out with were thousand miles away from you. Sure, I met new people and made some new friends but you know, you’re ‘go-to people’ ‘homecourt friends’ will always be different. They get you, the real you, you get each others humor that nobody else will understand but them.

I wrote this to give highlight to my friends who kept in touch for the last four years and made an effort to stay in my life even though I am already thousand miles away from them. It means a lot. I consider myself lucky and blessed enough to have people in my life that is so supportive that I can turn into when life is kinda overwhelming. They keep me grounded and reminds me of who I was before I came here. Life in Japan can be tiring sometimes and it is important to not lose yourself while living in this fast-paced life.

‘Keep swimming’

xoxo

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24. soon.

Every time it is year-ending I can’t help but to feel sentimental cause it means I am one year older again and it makes me reflect what the whole year has brought me. I am going to be 24 soon, mid twenties is coming and I don’t know what to feel. I admit I felt the pressure at first when everyone around me is either getting engaged or having babies. My facebook timeline is full of people found ‘the one’, someone to share their lives with and friends asking me to be their babies Godmother.

I was afraid to be alone. I was terrified to live this life alone and no one to share it with. I was hopeless romantic always searching for the one great love. Until I realized, it is way more scarier to get married with the wrong person just because you don’t want to be alone. I decided to change my perspective. I am living independently for almost 2 years now. I can completely do this life alone. I underestimate what I can do just because I relay my happiness with looking for someone until I realized nobody can make me happy except me.

23. 24 soon and finally I can say I am now emotionally independent. I am taking my time to know myself and I am not pressured anymore that I am alone because so what? I love my life. I am embracing this life alone the good and the bad and actually enjoying it. I am not bothered anymore if no one is out there for me because for me I am already enough for myself. This isn’t easy journey a lot of trial and error but you know what it’s all about mindset and perspective. Love yourself hard and when that love is full that’s the time to share it with someone else. As of now, I am contented with where I am and happy. I never felt this peace in my entire life. If someone is gonna be out there for me in the future, I will think of it just a bonus from above.

Braver 2019! Let’s go!

xoxo

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An Open Letter to Myself

Dear Self,

Lately I know you feel so disconnected with everything that’s going on with your life. Everything is just going down the hill  and you’re getting tired of keeping up with this strong facade. Then it hits you, drowning with your thoughts again..

You have to stop expecting people to give love and happiness to you. You owe it all to yourself because the only person who can give you all of those is no one but you. Nobody is responsible to make you happy. Only you, remember that. Love yourself so much that no one will ever dare to hurt you again. Self-love is never a selfish act. It’s about time to give all the love you are giving to people who are not worthy back to yourself. This is way long overdue. It’s about time to see your own worth.

I know nobody will understand your decisions when all you are trying to do is save yourself. You already gave so much. They will look for you once you stop doing things you usually do for them but don’t get swayed by half-baked efforts. You are worthy of all the love, effort and attention. Remember that. You are brave and strong. I know you will make it, like you always do.

Sincerely,

Self

xoxo

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How to Love Strong Independent Woman

For years she build herself up, spends day and night to really know herself, took countless of downfall before she finally accepted and love herself-all the good and bad. She value her solitude more than anything that’s why it’s tough to crack her wall. You’re so lucky to love by a woman who value herself.

1.She doesn’t need you. She wants you.

Bad day at work? She knows how to make herself happy-a jar of ice cream and netflix but she still want you to be there by her side to comfort her or watch rom-com movie with her while she’s sobbing, wipe her tears, hold her hands and hug her until she feels better.

2. Don’t be intimidated with her

We all know men’s ego are so big when they see women who are doing great and being successful more than them they feel so interfere. A boy will see her as a competitor and get intimated by having her shit together. A man who truly loves her will be supportive and a great cheerleader.

3. She is living up with her expectations

Strong independent woman expectations are so high because she always set the bar so high for herself.  So please don’t get tired when you think she’s being so demanding she just wanted you to be the best version of yourself that’s why she is always pushing you to do great things.

4. She hates being weak

Everyone around her admire her for having strong personality. You can never see her cry because she hate herself more than anything when she’s being weak. She will try her best to shrug off the negative feeling she has and show up like nothing is bothering her. Talk to her. Make her feel safe. Tell her it’s okay to cry and not be okay all the time. Be her safe haven that she can lean on when she can’t handle her world.

5. She tend to be workaholic

She understand that career is not everything but she is always chasing after success. Ask her to spontaneous adventures and dates like hiking on weekdays, long drive where you can alternate driving cause she knows how to handle car, take pictures of sunset. She won’t turn you down because she is addicted to life experiences. Remind her the world is vast and don’t be confined in her little world.

xoxo

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