personal

P A U S E.

pause noun: a temporary stop, a break in verse 

I admit I always try to do things big or small on my own without asking the help of anyone cause I don’t like the feeling of being a burden to someone or put them in a bad place cause of me. That’s why no matter how hard the situation is, I will try my best to solve everything in my power. AS IN EVERYTHING…only to find myself at the end of the day so exhausted and drained.

Each day I live like that without realizing how hard I was to myself, until I went back home in Gifu for 3 days off. Being the ultimate ‘probinsyana girl’ big city like Osaka is kinda overwhelming. It’s so fast-paced and feels like 24 hours is not enough to get things done. I tried my best to keep up with this lifestyle. The funny thing is, I never thought I was being toxic to myself.

During those 3 days break from my city life, I had lots of realizations and how important it is to practice pause from life and just breath for a while. That’s the only time I slow down and took my time. I rode my bike, stare at horizon, took picture of sunset, walk at park, cook food for my brothers, drink beer with my father, genuine conversations with mom. It made me think and understand how blessed I am.

Yes, career is important but don’t forget to pause. The biggest reward we can give to ourselves is time. Assess yourself, meditate where are you now in your life? Are you happy? What makes you happy? What’s stopping you to do the big things? Why are you afraid of the unknown? or you can just let go everything, smile and utter a small prayer that everything will work out just fine.

Always be grateful about the little things in life cause when you look back at it, you will realize they were the big things. It can make your heart full and soul at peace. We are only humans, not capable of everything and ultimately not perfect. Don’t hesitate to ask for help and treat yourself better.

xoxo

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personal

Adulthood. Since when?

2017 is the plot twist of my life cause this is the first for me to be independent. I grew up with strict and conservative grandparents that’s why I always crave for freedom. When I got the chance to move out of our house and live by myself without second thoughts I grabbed it right away. So at 22, I am that ‘independent woman’. I create these image inside my head of what am I gonna do once I have my own apartment. All of it was beautiful, exciting and fun. I thought it will be look like college sleepovers but reality hits me like a truck. I don’t know why I have this habit of making major decisions without really thinking about it.

At firsts it was a struggle, the emotional aspect of it is tough. I can’t sleep cause it doesn’t feel like home, getting home with no one to talk to my family is big I’m not used to silence, eating alone all the time. Even the day-to-day living was hard cause after long of work I have to take out the trash, cleaning dishes, laundries, cleaning, cooking, understanding your taxes, paying your bills all by yourself which I took for granted before.

This whole adulthood phase is all new to me that’s why I am so overwhelmed. I still fucked up, missed work cause I’m too drunk (don’t tell my mom), hitting snooze button for 100x, eating junk for the whole week to make ends meet, panicking over petty things. In short, I still don’t have my shit together I think we all do. No one have it all together. It’s bullshit some are just better at acting like they do. No matter how old you get life will always be a bitch but that’s what makes life interesting and worth living for. Well, my point is don’t be too hard on yourself as long as you’re trying world will understand.

I am not ready with adulting and I will never be. It’s fun but in a different way. The accomplishment when all your bills are paid, all laundries are done, sink is empty . It’s the little things that counts and don’t forget to celebrate it cause nobody will understand what does it takes you to get it done. The fulfillment finding out you can actually feed yourself and completely getting in control of your life. All the decisions big or small without the influence of anyone. It’s still tough but I won’t trade it for anything else cause I won’t have it the other way around. 2017 is life changing, indeed. Be grateful always!

‘Adulting is realizing we’re just children with taxes.’

xoxo

 

 

 

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personal

An Open Letter to my Grandparents

Dearest Lolo and Nana,

I consider myself lucky to have both of you until now cause not all people has the opportunity to meet their grandparents. Though I grew up without my parents but because of your love, I never felt like something is missing in me. You filled me with love, compassion and kindness.

Now I’m older and had the taste of the real world, I met a lot of shitty people throughout this journey. I had nothing but praises for both of you for raising me with compassion for others and reminding me all the time to be a better human being. All my wisdom, morals, values and beliefs came from you. No matter how cruel the world might be, I promise I will continue to be humane cause the world doesn’t need more rude people. Everything I am today, I owe it all to you. Thank you is not enough for everything you’ve done for me.

Every time I see old people walking alone, I badly want to talk to them cause probably they also have lots of stories to tell and no one is bothering to ask them. It makes me sad, I miss you everyday. The stories from your era, history and politics of our country and all of your quirky jokes. I won’t get tired of it even though, I already heard all of it for countless times.

I can’t forget the day when I called and cry my heart out cause I felt like I can’t take the burden anymore for all the struggles I’ve been through. Like what a mother will say to his child ‘I’ll send you money, buy plane tickets and go home.’ I felt so touched and loved. Thank you for always being my rock, anchor, safe haven and home.

I know both of you are already bored with life cause you said you’re already satisfied to reached this age and your mission was already fulfilled. But sorry to disappoint you Lolo and Nana, I pray to God every night to prolong your life cause I can’t afford to lose one of you. I know I’m not vocal regarding my feelings but I love you more than you could ever imagine. Thank you for everything. I can’t imagine life without you. xoxo

Love,

Mae

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